As we finish returning all the crappy gifts that our friends got us, we can focus our attention on improving ourselves in 2008. This is the year. We are going to hold true to our New Years Resolution this year. But, just in case you haven’t figured out what you want to abide by, I have come up with a list of "Do's and Don’t’s" to serve as a general guideline to assist and enlighten you on the road to self-improvement.

Don’t "Quit Smoking." Spare me this bullshit. The only thing you need to quit is "kidding yourself". Chances are that two minutes after the ball drops you will already be on your third cancer stick. Same goes if drinking is your vice. Both are way too hard to quit. Trust me, I've tried. Unless "a shitty year" was at the top of your Christmas list, I advise you to continue smoking and drinking. It will help you cope with the certain failures and disappointments ahead of you in the coming year.

Don’t "Exercise more." Give me a break. I'll bet the house that you only start diets on Mondays too. If this is your resolution then it is probably genetically impossible for you to be good-looking. Be thankful that you only have three chins and can still see your genitals if you lean over really far in the shower.

Don’t "Give back to the community." For the love of Smokey Robinson, spare me this load of crap. I guarantee you that you will be the same greedy person in 2008 that you have been your entire life. You are only allowed this one if your idea of philanthropy is tipping your cab driver in Canadian dollars.

Don’t "Be more sensitive (guys only)." This one is absolutely impossible. Honestly, when was the last time you made it through a holiday, anniversary, or even a first date for Christ's sake, without tears being shed for what I consider "no apparent reason". Women are weak. Unlike us, they have feelings, needs, worries, and an unpredictable hormone cycle that will make want to give yourself a vasectomy.

Do "Vote." This is an obvious "go to" resolution for people that are already "perfect". You only have to do it every two to four years, so technically you can go an entire decade without even noticing your inherent flaws. Plus, you get bonus points if your candidate loses. Every time something in this country goes wrong, all you have to do is say "Hey I did my part, it's not my fault". Also, it makes people that didn't vote feel bad.

Do "Pay taxes." Works well for people with actual jobs. Not recommended for drug dealers and children. You only have to do it once a year and when you get your returns, you can pretend it's "free money" and blow it on drugs and booze without feeling guilty.

Do "Get a flu shot." Again, once a year. Unless you enjoy the taste of snot this one is automatic. Plus, you can point out to your friends and family who spend their holiday sick that you had the foresight to spread cheer and not be miserable. They will remember your brilliance and compliment you for having common sense.

Do "Go to church on Christmas Eve." Get it over with. See a pattern here, once a year. Mothers and grandmothers will start gossiping to nieces and grandchildren about your good looks and manners. Even if you can’t look yourself in the mirror without throwing up, your chances of getting laid just went up. People are desperate and horny around the holidays. It's a great atmosphere to showcase your "singleness". You will quickly be labeled as eligible, since everyone else is taken or in rehab. Plus, odds are there will be no real church service. Just a Christmas play starring a bunch of mongloids dressed as sheep and shepherds singing some crappy carols.

These are just a few suggestions for those of you struggling to find something wrong with yourself. Best of luck to you all. Cheers!